Wednesday, October 3, 2012

That Darn Armpit Slobber

    I'm sure we all have things we are self conscious of.  Something we try to hide or cover up.  One of the things I consider to be a major flaw of mine is the fact that....(sigh).....I sweat like a man.  It's true.  It's gross.  I have always been like this.  In fact, in high school I wore a jacket almost year around to try and conceal the dark circles under my arms.  Well, that and I was trying to hide what I thought was my too flat rear.  Gee how I long for what I thought was my too flat rear...  Though my rear is no longer flat I still have the man sweat issues.  Maybe that's why I love summer.  You're far less likely to get armpit sweat spots in a sleeveless shirt!  Okay, okay.  So why am I telling you this?  It's just a little background info for the story I'm about to share.  A story of how, once again, my boys kept it real for me.  
    My day started with a typical woman's dilemma.  What should I wear today?  I think I stood in my closet for 15 minutes staring at my clothes convinced I had nothing good enough to wear to bring my kids to and from school today.  Then my eyes fell upon something new!  I'd bought a grey, ribbed long sleeve shirt right at the end of winter earlier this year.  It was too hot to wear when I purchased it, so it's been hanging in my closet awaiting Fall.  I paired it with khaki hiking pants and tennis shoes.  I stepped up on the side of my bathtub to check out my new outfit in the mirror above my sink (because I'm my husband's too cheap to buy a $15 full length mirror from WalMart).  I was quite proud of this new outfit, and considering I was also having a great hair day, I thought I looked good.  Well, minus the over abundant junk in my trunk.  I'm sorry I ever hated you "what I once thought was my too flat rear."  It did cross my mind for a split second that maybe I was dressed a bit warm for today's weather.  Nah!  I thought.  It's windy so I'll be fine.
    Indeed I was fine.  Dropping Ian off, getting groceries with Wesley, and then picking Ian up, I was totally fine.  I was feeling somewhat beautiful and confident today.  After picking Ian up from school, we had to wait about 20 minutes before it was Wesley's turn for school.  I parked in the shade, rolled down the windows, and started reading my new book while two wild, half brained monkeys my children entertained themselves in the back seat.  Even in the shade and with the breeze I did get a tad warm.  To avoid pit spots I read my book with my elbows up and out.  Imagine your bent armed barbie doll trying to read a book.  That was me.  It helped the pit situation a bit, but not completely.  It was now time to bring Wesley to class.  It was rather warm out because the breeze had stopped.  I stayed on the playground a few minutes with the boys and then we retreated to the shade by the steps that go into the classroom.  There, in an attempt to stop my pits from gushing further, I propped my arm on the railing that was about shoulder height.  It was in that moment my confidence came crashing down.

Ian- "Mom, who slobbered on your shirt?"
Me-  "What?"
Ian-  "Your shirt.  Who slobbered on it?  See, it's wet."
(At this point he begins poking MY ARMPIT!)
Me-  "Stop, Ian.  That's sweat."
Ian- "Sweat?  What's sweat?  Why do you have sweat under your arms?  It looks gross!  It's wet!"
Me-  "Forget it, child!  Stop touching me and go play!"
    So why was this harmless conversation between mother and son able to destroy my confidence?  Might I refer you to a previous post.... "Hi, We're The Yellers!".  This was not a conversation simply between mother and son.  This was yelled loud enough for all the parents on the playground to hear.  Did they hear it?  I don't know.  These days, I refuse to look around and see if anyone heard.  Because I'm sure they did.  I prefer to pretend that no one else is around because things are a lot funnier and a lot less embarrassing when no one else sees or hears it.  Like the time Wesley pulled up my skirt at the grocery the checkout line......which is the busiest part of the whole grocery store!  I just jerked it down and kept on bagging my groceries.  It would have been a lot more horrifying if I had looked up to see people starring and giggling at me.  Besides, I'll never see those people again!  Well, maybe the grocery store people.  I only have to see the people on the playground at Wesley's school four times a week!  Bah!  I'm so glad it's almost jacket season.

Hopelessly Sweaty,